Almost 1.5 years ago, I had Eli. It was, without a doubt, the best day of my life. I don’t think anything comes to a close second. Sure the day I got married would be next on the list, but even that pales in comparison (sorry Dad-oo, but I know he feels the same way). And then 8 weeks later, I had one of the worst days of my life. The day I went back to work. Nothing can prepare you for that day. The tears. The heartbreak. The doubts and fears. Did we pick the right day care? Will Eli adjust to being with someone new? How can they ever compare to being home with his Momma? Will I forever regret the decision to return to work? How can I juggle my work life and home life? Will Eli know that I’m his Momma when I pick him up at the end of the day?

The answers are, of course, daycare will never live up to my standards or do things exactly the way I would do it. And that, unfortunately, is just the way things are. No one but myself and Dad-oo will do things they way we want (and sometimes we don’t even do things the way we want!). Eli will (and did) remember that I was his Momma and Dad-oo was his Dad-oo at the end of each day. In fact, one of the best feelings in the world (and at the same time, the worst) is when he comes running into my arms when I pick him up at the end of the day. Why is that the worst? Because I know that he missed me, and I feel guilty for leaving him all day.

The hardest question of all is will I regret my decision to return to work. And that unfortunately is one question that I just don’t have an answer to and it is something that I struggle with every day. I’ve accepted the fact that I choose to return to work. I’ve accepted, but I’m not happy about, the fact that I don’t get to spend every day with Eli. That I miss out on some of his milestones, like the first song he requested by name ([amazonify]B0013D8924::text::::Row, Row, Row Your Boat).[/amazonify] That he asks about his teachers on the weekend, because he misses them. Sure I’m glad that he likes them, but it also makes me feel a little guilty, and honestly, a little jealous. I hope that 10, 15, 20 years from now I won’t regret my decision. I hope that I won’t look back and think about all of the things I missed instead of all of the things I got to be part of. And I really hope that Eli never looks at me and blames me for not staying at home with him.

But I know that you can’t live your life stuck on regrets. Or wishing that you could change your past decisions. You wouldn’t really be living after all. So I’m moving forward, being as involved with Eli as I can when I’m with him, hoping and praying that it will be enough.

[/caption] Almost 1.5 years ago, I had Eli. It was, without a doubt, the best day of my life. I don’t think anything comes to a close second. Sure the day I got married would be next on the list, but even that pales in comparison (sorry Dad-oo, but I know he feels the same way). And then 8 weeks later, I had one of the worst days of my life. The day I went back to work. Nothing can prepare you for that day. Th" data-image="http://alli-n-son.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/09/IMG_7416.jpg" data-site="Alli 'n Sons">