Permission Granted

by Allison @ Alli 'n Son on May 18, 2010

Yes. No. Yes. No.

I’ve gone back and forth on this way too many times to count lately. Do I share my infertility story? Don’t I? It’s so personal. So emotional. I’ll be so exposed and vulnerable. I’m hesitant to put myself out there like this. And yet, I blogged about lust the other day. You can’t get much more personal than that.

So today, as I sit in the doctors office waiting for my name to be called, I’m giving myself permission. I’m telling myself YES. It’s time to share my story.

Are you ready?

Big breath in. Big breath out.

I’m ready.

Just over three years ago, Dad-oo and I decided it was time to start a family. After nine long years, off the birth control pill I went. We anxiously waited for my cycles to return, so we could officially start trying.

Only they didn’t return. At least not right away.

Those first few months of zero cycles were filled with high hopes and crashing disappointments. Thoughts that I was one of the lucky few to get pregnant right away without really trying floated happily through my head. Only test after test proved that this would not be the case for us. In fact, the next 9-10 months were filled with uncertainty, stress and feelings of failure as I tried to figure out what was going on with my body.

After a round of Provera, my body s…l…o…w…l…y began to get back to normal. By normal I mean sporadic cycles ranging from 60 days to 90 days to 40 days. There was no rhyme or reason to their length. I became a dedicated temperature taker and charter, waking dutifully at 5:30 every morning and analyzing, analyzing, analyzing.

Yes, I was completely and utterly obsessed.

Even though charting caused a lot of stress and headache, it also tuned me in to my body. I learned the signals of when I was getting ready to ovulate, which opened up the small window of opportunity that we needed to conceive our wonderful son. Thankfully after only three tries, he was conceived. I went on to have a perfectly healthy and happy pregnancy and delivery.

Fast forward…

Two years later and we’re back at the beginning. We want another child. Badly. And yet my cycles haven’t returned. Scratch that, they never happened. I haven’t had a normal cycle since I gave birth.

Yes. Over two years ago.

I’ve talked with my doctor and a fertility specialists. I tried birth control for two months, hoping that it would remind my body what to do. I had two successful cycles. Now I’m off the pill again, and I’m on day 84 of my cycle. And counting. Nothing is happening. I’m charting. I’m obsessing. I’m getting crazier by the day.

As anyone with infertility can tell you, you go through a whole range of emotions. The strongest for me is the sense of failure. I’m doing my part, exercising, eating healthy, charting, reading books, scouring the internet. And yet my body isn’t responding like it should. Like I want it to.

Yes, some how I feel responsible for that.

Like I’m doing something to cause it. Like there’s one thing that I’m doing wrong, or not doing all, and once I figure out what that thing is, everything will be fixed. But until I figure it out, I feel like I’m failing. Worse than that, I feel like I’m letting my husband and my family down.

Yes. I’m slowly quickly losing my mind.

I know that many women have much worse infertility stories. In fact, I have a few close friends and family who have struggled more that I have. But that doesn’t make my feelings any less real or any less intense.

My journey hasn’t ended. Not by a long shot. I’m in the middle of more testing to see if we can pin point what is going on. There is a light at the end of this tunnel, even if it does appear to be a long way off.

Yes. It’s there. And it’s getting brighter everyday.

P.S. Infertility is an ugly, ugly word. Let’s call it something else. Any ideas?

P.P.S. I’ll continue sharing my story as it unfolds.

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