A few weeks ago, during Five for Ten with Momalom, I was introduced to Aidan and her fabulous new book, Life After Yes
OK, get ready, this is going to be a long one. But a good one.
This week we are discussing chapters 1-11 (although I have to admit, I’ve been reading ahead). One of the things that I love most about reading is being able to relate to the characters. I mean, why read if you don’t feel a connection to them? But more than that, I love (and sometimes hate) seeing pieces of myself in the characters.
Quinn, the heroine in Life After Yes, is just one of those characters.
Let me start out by saying, I love Quinn. Or at least I’m starting to love her. But she has one characteristic that just drives me batty. She can’t make a decision.
To give you an example, she’s recently engaged to her longtime boyfriend. One minute she’s thrilled, giddy with excitement over her married future. The next she’s pessimistic, worried and questioning her decision every step of the way. Actually, she’s more pessimistic than she is giddy. Which really gets on my nerves. I find myself wanting to scream at her, just make a decision! Either get married and be happy, or don’t and move on.
Yes, yes, I know that some of her back and forth is just normal nerves about getting married. It’s natural to question your decision. But in Quinn’s case, it’s painful to watch. Because as she questions, it’s slowly killing her relationship.
Then it dawned on me, the reason her indecisiveness drives me crazy. Are you ready for this? I’m exactly the same way. I can’t make a decision to save my life.
OK, that’s not entirely true. I make decisions. Ever single day. But I struggle. I need to discuss with people. I need to weigh my options. I need choices. I need to talk it out. And I want opinions.
Then I think about it a while longer.
Then, I make a decision. And stick with it. Usually.
I drive myself crazy. I drive poor Dad-oo crazy. And some day soon I’ll drive the kiddo crazy.
Why am I like this? I truly have no idea. That topic deserves a post all to itself.
I like to think that it’s because I need options. I want to make sure that I’ve considered each and every possibility before I make a decision. I have a fear of missing an option, and regretting it. I hate regret.
Moving on…
So far, I believe that Quinn’s indecisiveness stems from her ongoing identity crisis. I mean, it’s nearly impossible to make life decisions when you don’t even know what you want out of out of life. Or who you want to be. Which is something that we all go through at multiple points in our life. Graduating high school. Moving to a new town. Beginning a new job. Getting married. Having kids. Quitting that job. All events that make you stop and think. Reevaluate and take stock.
Which is exactly what I’ve been doing, ever since I made the transition from a working mom to a stay-at-home mom.
For me, it began the first time that I was asked for my title. You know, when you normally would say graphic designer, software specialist, teacher. I paused, as I realized that I don’t really have a title right now. When I answer that I’m a stay-at-home mom, the response is usually, “Oh you are a just homemaker”. Homemaker? Um no, that doesn’t describe me or what I do. At. All.
My missing title has left me feeling a little lost. Like something is missing. Like I need something more than being just a homemaker. I need a title, I need an identity. I need a purpose in life. You know, other than raising an amazing little boy.
This has left me feeling empty some days. Sad and a little bit lonely. And guilty. Shouldn’t raising my son be enough?
Yes and no. It is enough on so many levels. There’s so much satisfaction from caring for and raising my son. And yet…I won’t be doing this forever. Some day my son (and any future kiddos) will grow up, go to school, graduate, move away and confront their own identity crisis’s. Where will that leave me?
I recently had a conversation with a good friend, on a completely unrelated topic, which hit home with me. I honestly can’t remember what we were talking about, but she brought up that I’m a blogger, a photographer and a graphic designer. As I started to say that I’m not a really designer anymore, she pointed out that I am. I’m just not working.
This was a huge eye opener to me. Just because I’ve put my career on hold doesn’t mean that I’ve lost that part of myself. I’m still a creative person with ideas bubbling around in my head. That won’t change. But my outlets have changed. I’m focusing more on photography, on writing, on sharing my story with all of my wonderful friends and readers. I’m thinking about other creative ways to make a contribution to the world. Things to make me feel important.
Because raising a child doesn’t make me feel important enough. sigh
As I continue reading about Quinn and Life After Yes, I hope that she begins to find her identity and that this leads to more happiness and confidence in her life. I can’t wait to keep reading this wonderfully surprising book. And I hope that I’ve inspired someone to pick up a copy of this book. If you do, it wouldn’t hurt to order it from one of the links above (help out a blogging girl with a few affiliate links).
Thoughts to Ponder
How are you with making decisions? Do you make snap decisions or do you weigh all of your options?
Are you currently going through an identity crisis? Or do you remember a particular period of time when you were questioning who you were?
Tomorrow is the Thank You Journal. Stop by and link up.
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Wow Ali! There really is a lot here, more than I feel I can tackle in your comments (without completely taking them over), so first and foremost, let me tell you, I am ALWAYS willing to chat other ways if you need.
On the subject of identities and roles. You know that I am a working mom and so I have at least one title (professionally speaking) to give people. Do I think that title adds any value, no, but the work that I do does and that’s why I choose to walk this crazy balance beam of working mom. It’s so hard. But I get how you feel, we still need to be us and I get to do that, probably more than you do, because you are everything to your son right now.
The only advice I can give (and take it for what it’s worth, cause I’m still learning) is to recognize that this time is just a snapshot, and in the end you will be richer for it and you’ll go back to work someday and everything will change. Maybe for the good, maybe not, it will depend, and then you’ll be able to look back now and recognize how great this time was and how important what you are doing is.
Okay, convoluted! I know
.-= Christine LaRocque´s last blog ..Blogging: Conversations in happiness and more =-.
@Christine LaRocque, That’s exactly how I look at it too. I know that these moments with my son (and hopeful future kiddos) are limited and fleeting. Soon enough I’ll be back in the working world and I’m sure that I’ll miss these moments terribly (even the potty training mishaps). One of my favorite quotes is “this too shall pass”. I try to keep this in mind when I’m having an identity crisis, and focus on the importance of what I’m doing.
@Christine LaRocque, Oh, and the cray balance beam of working mom? I totally get that. That was one of the hardest things to accomplish, or try to accomplish, when I was working.
Great Blog Allison! I understand how you have felt. I have said to people…”well my degree is in social work and I do a tiny bit of homecare just around my husband’s schedule but my primary job is a stay at home mom”. Why can’t I just say I am a SAHM? Why is it so important that they know I have been something else? Isn’t being a SAHM an incredible title? I suspect I will continue to tell people all of that, and probably bore them with all those facts while I figure it all out. But even in my confusion I do know that I would not have my life any other way than it is right now.
@jennifer johnson, I definitely get that. I think that some people don’t understand being a SAHM or wanting to be one, so you almost feel pressured to into explaining that you have other qualities and education. That you have more value and skills than “just” raising a child. It’s so silly that we do this, and yet it feels important to announce our other skills at the same time.
Wow, Alli, so much to connect to here. I have been thinking about your comment on the book club post ever since I read it and I am so glad you expanded on it here.
As you know, I totally agree that this section of Life After Yes is all about identity and the struggle to define it. But I hadn’t really made the connection to my own identity struggle as a stay-at-home-mom until you brought it up.
For me so much of it is about self-confidence. As much as I am grateful to have this chance to be at home with my sons, I don’t think I will ever be able to confidently say “I am a stay-at-home mother” until I put to rest all of my own lingering doubts about my choice. And maybe that’s my own weakness and maybe it’s society’s. And maybe I’m not making sense.
But what you’ve written here really strikes a nerve with me because it is so close to my own experience. Thanks, Alli!
.-= Kristen @ Motherese´s last blog ..Buffering =-.
@Kristen @ Motherese, That totally makes sense. The funny thing is that you will have doubts about any career you pick, even if you worked outside of the home. And yet I bet you would be more confident stating that you are a “_______”, doubts and all. Funny how that works.
I’m so glad that you can relate to my experience.
I’m so glad you sent me this link!! I was here yesterday but my computer wouldn’t let me comment or see older posts. Weird.
Anyway. I sooooo understand what you’re saying! I am not sure I’ve ever NOT been confused with WHO I AM!! Maybe my little series this summer will help.
@Mary @ Giving Up on Perfect, I’m so glad you stopped by! I’m really excited about your series. Hopefully I’ll figure some things out along with you.
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