I was talking with a friend the other week, and we were bonding over how impossible our kids, who are the same age, can be. Whiny. Emotional. Over reacting to the tiniest falls. Generally acting as if the world is about to come to an end. You know, general three-year-old stuff.
We reflected on how our behavior directly impacts theirs. If they are whiny and we whine back, it escalates until we’re a a big pile of whine. If they are screaming and we react with raised or too stern voices, we both get louder and louder, trying to out do the other.
Recently, this has become one of my biggest focuses in parenting. To adjust my reaction to help control and sooth situations that could otherwise quickly get out of hand. It’s tough, especially in the heat of the moment when all you want to do is yell right back. At the top of your lungs, which may or may not rival the top of your child’s lungs.
Preschoolers, especially one who is enraged, can be ear-piercingly loud. In case you haven’t noticed.
I take on a lot of guilt when situations like this come up. When the kiddo is having a rough afternoon and every thing I suggest is met with resistance, even something as joyful as going for a walk, I tend to blame myself for the over reaction and total meltdowns. If only I had made the walk sound really fun, like a game, maybe he wouldn’t have freaked out. If only I had made picking up toys a race, maybe he wouldn’t have melted into a puddle of kicking feet and tears. Maybe if I offered more encouragement, I wouldn’t have to threaten consequences.
Maybe. Certainly all of these things are true. To a point.
Yesterday morning I did my best to keep the kiddo in a good mood. It was art class morning. A morning that tends to be stressful and often leads to tears, kicking, pulling the kiddo off of me, and me running in the other direction. Even though this may not sound like a successful morning, for us, for this class, it is. I made everything a game, brushing teeth, getting dressed, putting on shoes and jackets before we headed out the door. I tried so hard to keep the mood fun, hoping that it would spill over into the rest of the morning. I was only mildly successful.
As we pulled out of the garage heading to class, it dawned on me. As the saying goes, a light bulb went off. I’m only responsible for so much. Try as hard as I can, I can only determine the kiddo’s mood to a certain extent. Sometimes he’s just going to be crabby. Sometimes he’s just going to be sassy. Sometimes he’s just going to be a giant pain the butt. Sometimes he’s going to annoy me with his endless questioning.
And that’s okay.
Think about it. There are days that we all wake up in the worst possible mood. Nothing in particular set us off, we can’t even blame irrational hormones, but we are just on a war path that morning. A giant cup of coffee, a brisk run outside, or even chocolate is going to make things right. There’s nothing that anyone can say or do to get us back on track. Sometimes it just has to work itself out of our system before we can move on.
Kids are no different. We’ve all witnessed them waking up in the morning or after a nap only to discover that the loveable child you laid down to sleep is suddenly a monster. For no reason at all. Try as we might, with their favorite activities, foods, books, whatever, we just can’t get them to snap out of it.
So what’s my point in all of this? We’re only responsible for so much. Yes, being watchful of our tone of voice, the words we use, the volume we speak at is vital. Of course it is. But…it’s important to keep it in perspective too. We are only responsible for so much of our children’s emotions and behavior. At some point we have to throw up our hands and just accept that they are just having a bad day.
And maybe do our best to not let their bad day ruin our day.
{ 18 comments… read them below or add one }
I can really relate to this with my two year old. I always try and stay calm but sometimes little things seem to make him so angry. Thanks for you insight.
It’s a difficult age isn’t it? We just have to do the best that we can.
i think y ou make a great point…particularly when it comes to other people…if we make ourselves responsible for their happiness it will rob us of our own…
Perfectly said Brian.
Ok, this is the second really smart mommy post in a row that I’ve read. And as I’ve said before, I’m not a mommy. But I am a former kid. And as a former kid I totally agree, there is only so much that can be dome to encourage a good mood. A bad moos however can be slightly more contagious. But it’s great to recognize your emotional boundaries/independence. Now how to teach that to kids? I guess to demonstrate it just like you’re talking about. To not allow their moods to dictate yours.
that should be done, and moods. II’m not sure how contagious bad moos are, may need to ask a cow. Sorry. You may want to check out my Blogger PSA. It will explain the need for mercy.
http://asongbirdinhiscourt.blogspot.com/2011/05/blogger-public-service-announcement.html
LOL! You cracked me up with your comments.
I love you for always being so honest! My daughter will be two on Sunday and I know first hand that it is an uphill battle on a day to day basis for us. Hour to hour sometimes. My daughter will be the sweetest girl on the planet and the next thing you know she is chasing the dog around pulling his tail and making him yelp. The only thing I can control in these crazy situations is my reaction to them. And that’s the best we can do as parents.
Exactly. Some days are harder than others, aren’t they? Makes us appreciate the “easy” days I suppose.
So true. How can we be sure what others *really* need?
You are so right and very well put. I always like the saying that no one person or thing can put me in a bad mood. i put myself there. I try to put that into action whenever I let someone else dictate my action or reaction. Easier said than done for sure.
That is by far one of the hardest things to do. I’m terrible at it.
I’ve been there – now with teenagers in the house I try to remind myself every day just how contagious moods are. Sometimes that helps and other days we just get by
mickey
And here I was hoping that it got better as the kids get older! lol
Even when the child screaming and crying, he still looks and see the reaction from adults. If we relaxed and it definitely helps him get back on track and relax. And if we are pressed from his behavior, this of course does not help him at all. That’s what I think.
jo -
hydroponicsfuture
You are right, I’ve experience this in my own child. Although, some days I’m as calm as can be and it doesn’t seem to help him at all. Those are the toughest days.
oh allison i needed this… to be reminded to rest because we can only do so much. the other day i turned to my friend and said, “you have to be so smart to be a parent!” meaning, you always have to be creative and thinking outside of the box and really, well, brilliant. but this provides some much needed balance, the reminder to let go and let God. bless you.
Sometimes we just make up in a bad mood. EXACTLY!!!! I do try to think about that when my 17 month old has a tantrum. I try to soothe her with hugs and most of the time that works. But sometimes I just let her scream in my face for a little bit, knowing that it’s her toddler equivalent of me pouring a tall glass of wine or having a good cry in the shower. Some days are just hard for no reason.