It’s been a while since I’ve talked about infertility. I guess that once I finally got pregnant, it hasn’t really been at the forefront of my mind. Except that is has been lurking in the dark corners. Telling me that I’m ungrateful.
For most of this pregnancy, my mind has been focused on not being pregnant. It’s been focused on having my body back. And not having to share it with anyone.
Don’t get me wrong. I’m thrilled about welcoming a new life into our family. I want this baby. I want this pregnancy. I want another son. But I oh-so-badly don’t want to be pregnant anymore.
It seems that the aches and pains of a second pregnancy are worse than the first. My body is giving out faster this time around. My hips ache with every movement, my back yelps if I bend the wrong way, my lungs struggle for air at the simplest tasks. And let’s not even talk about sleeping. I’m either restless because of heartburn, struck with insomnia or getting up roughly 800 times to pee.
What I want, is to have a healthy and happy baby.
But what I also want is to be able to run again. I want to be able to sleep flat on my back. I want to read on my belly, with my hands propped under my chin. I want to have a glass of wine on a Friday evening with Hubs. I want to lose the baby weight and get my body back. I want to have enough energy to stay awake past 10pm. I want to drink endless cups of coffee, the strong stuff.
What I need is to snuggle a newborn baby. I need to smell his clean head. I need to feel the closeness of breastfeeding. I need to be needed more than anyone else in the house. I need to give everything that I have to my baby, and feel rewarded and fulfilled because of it. I need to be sleep deprived, just because that’s part of the journey.
Maybe I’m just being a baby about the whole thing. Actually, I’m pretty sure that’s part of it. But all I know is that I can’t wait to not be pregnant. Labor and delivery, the pain that goes with it, I’m looking forward to it, because that means the end is in sight. The recovery from giving birth and even the sleepless nights, I’ll take them all, just to have my body back. I don’t want to share anymore.
And yet, as I sit here complaining about the aches and pains of a very healthy pregnancy, with a very healthy baby boy growing and thriving in my body, I’m feeling so selfish. I’m feeling incredibly guilty. Because it wasn’t easy for us to get to this point, and I should just be thankful that we were even able to get pregnant. I should be thanking God every day for this baby. I am. But I should also be enjoying each and every second of this pregnancy. I’m not.
It’s a strange thing, to go through infertility and the stress that it brings. The emotional turmoil, the doubts and fears. Wondering if we’d ever have a second baby. Doubting that we even deserved to have a second baby. To go through the heartache and come out the other side blessed with a baby is an amazing thing. And here I am, complaining the entire 9 months.
Less than four weeks to go. I’ve been counting down for what seems like months now. Actually, it has been months. My days of being pregnant and miserable are running out. And I’m thrilled. I don’t know what is more exciting, welcoming my newest son into this world, or the idea of not being pregnant.
Wait. No. I take that back. Meeting my son, that’s the most exciting part. But only by a small margin. A very, very small margin.
{ 20 comments… read them below or add one }
I’ve never struggled with infertility, but my view on it is this; although you’re trying so hard to ‘get pregnant’, what you really want (obviously) is the end result, the baby. The pregnancy is just a means to that end, and you’re not obligated to enjoy that. Pregnancy is rough, much harder on some than others but almost never a picnic. The baby is the thing that you want to cherish and not take for granted, not the pregnancy.
Congrats & good luck! =)
Thank you, your comment really made me feel better, and gave me some perspective.
soon enough you will have that new baby…i hear you on the guilt, but dont let it rob you of the joy, it is hard being pregnant…of course being a man i have only experienced it on the support side but…i pray the time goes and perhaps some easing along the way…and a healthy baby…
That’s just the disadvantages of being pregnant…we can’t drink if we feel like drinkin’, can’t sleep on our belly the way we used to…but the happiness of being pregnant and the thought of having one soon completes our day…it just makes us think that being pregnant is the most wonderful thing to happen.
The physical pain of labor and delivery is just but temporary; although we are anxious that it may be more painful, the contentment we feel is extra ordinary to feel to even think about it more.
Let’s enjoy this pregnancy…;)
Yes i agree with that yela and being pregnant is very hassle yet it’s God gift baby come out,and being pregnant is very sensitive with the smell and always wanted to sleep and always wanted to eat. after the baby was born you forget everything you suffer i remember when i am baring a baby and now i am very proud mom.thanks for sharing you thoughts
I hear you! If only it was simple and not complicated. Emotions get so mixed and it’s OK to yearn for something but also find it trying. Praise God for this blessing and that he is also there in the inconvenience, too. Hang in there…
Thank you Kath! Your kind words really mean a lot.
I think “getting pregnant” and “being pregnant” are two very different things, so it’s okay that while you desperately wanted one of them, you want the other to be over. And, since getting pregnant was difficult, the process was extra long – it’s been way more than 9 months since you’ve had your body to yourself. I went to IVF for my daughter and it was a very long process. It was over a year of being poked, prodded, shot up with stuff, and being pregnant. That’s a long time to not have your body! Hang in there, it’s not long now!
That’s such a good point Dorothy. By the time I have this baby it will be more than a year since we started down this path. That is a long time to not feel like my body is my own. Thank you for the perspective.
It almost sometimes seems like the body WASN’T made to be pregnant.
Soon you’ll have that little boy, which is what you wanted all along. Hang in there.
Allison,
Having suffered through infertility and the loss of 4 pregnancies and now I have 3 beautiful healthy children, I can tell you I know EXACTLY how you feel. I don’t know why we always feel like we can’t complain about pregnancy but it’s perfectly fine for those who get pregnant easily. I think that is so silly! Also after the baby comes and you feel like crap and have the baby blues (I had that terribly with my first and my third) people say, why are you not glowing…..you REALLY wanted this. UGH! so frustrating. I say you complain if you feel like complaining because pregnancy is HARD and exhausting especially after you already have one or two children at home. Also remember you are older now so tha makes it harder too. My last child I had when I was 39 and I have no idea how I made it through that pregnancy in one piece. LOL I felt like an old lady! The aches and pains were 100 x worse than when I had my first at 32.
Congraulations on your healthy pregnancy and I hope the birth of you new son come quickly so you can get back to feeling like yourself!!
Ellen
Thank you Ellen, I can’t tell you how nice it is to hear that others felt the same way. I am super excited about having a baby, just not the pregnancy. Only 3 weeks to go now!
Dorothy’s comment is right on. I too struggled with infertility before my second son was born and hated being pregnant. The fertility treatments definitely add to the length of time that you feel your body isn’t your own and also add to your stress levels. As you know, once your baby boy is in your arms all of those feelings about being pregnant are gone, so hang in there… not much longer to go.
I just stumbled across your blog, by the way, and love your sense of humor!
Thank you Sara! It’s so nice to hear that others have gone through the same thing. I can’t wait to meet my baby boy, and forget about being pregnant.
Really great post. Just keep thinking of that sweet head you get to smell and the rest will blur away into the background. The end is coming!
Come over and visit today. We have a really great chilled soup recipe and a give away from the Fairy Hobmother.
Alli, I wish I could give you a hug and encourage you not to feel guilty! I think every woman who is pregnant comes to that point of pregnancy where the body is tired and needs reprieve from doing the hard work involved in growing a brand new life. I really don’t think that makes you ungrateful, but I can tell you that had I struggled with infertility and then gotten pregnant and started {inevitably} feeling SO done with being pregnant, I would be feeling guilty, too. So really, I’m here, trying to reassure you that even though I’d probably be dealing with those same conflicting emotions, I think it’s normal to want to be done! Seasons, right? Everything has a season. {Now — when I get to this point at my next pregnancy whenever that may be, will you Pulease tell me the same thing? lol}
Thank you so much friend! You always have such encouraging words. And yes, of course I will remind you of the same thing when it’s your turn.
I can’t transfer clapping through this comment box, so I will say AMEN! I HAAAATED being pregnant. I mean, I liked the whole feeling the baby kick, but when it was followed by feeling the ENTIRE BABY MOVE in NOT ENOUGH SPACE, it just wasn’t as exciting.
I, too, felt selfish for not being one of those “my body is a beautiful vessel of life” people. I was much more the “I am tired of this parasite sucking the life out of me, get OUT ALREADY” people.
Yes, those first few movements are awesome, and so reassuring. But after a while, when the kicks are aimed at your ribs, your bladder, or places more, ahem, south, it loses its thrill.
Pregnancy just seems to be the best part of being a wife ..having your baby born after all the pain and 9 months of waiting is the best part of being a mother…